26th November 2009, Realisation

26^th November 2009. Exactly a year after the dreadful siege had started in Mumbai. I went to the Gateway of India to show my solidarity, to mourn, to let the buildings make me feel the way they had felt exactly a year ago. Yes, today I heard buildings, buildings made of stone and mortar talk to me. They told me their story. They had merely just started and I had tears in my eyes. I can’t picture, imagine or comprehend what the people present here a year ago must have felt. But I felt the pain today. I felt the fear. I felt the feeling of utter powerlessness. I had to forcefully take my eyes away from the dome of the Taj; before I break down. I couldn’t take it anymore. All the noise, all the slogans, all the chants lost and forgotten at that very instant when I locked eyes with the dome. There was an immediate connection. It was terrifying. For a brief second I was transported back a year and the barrage of various uncontrollable emotions and fear was too much to bear. Imagine being there while it was happening and having ‘access’ to the feelings of everyone present there. That is how I felt.

Scary and terrifying though it was, I wanted more. I wanted to feel that connect again. I wanted to hear the story, I wanted to feel what they felt. I wanted to feel the extent of uselessness, my powerlessness. Rather I wanted to realise it. All the illusion about how I was going to make a difference shattered. At first I did not understand the purpose of people lighting candles outside the Taj. Suddenly it made sense. I lit a candle and let myself go, to be embraced, to be taken. The rush, the force, the power of the emotions was too strong. I couldn’t pull out. I couldn’t or maybe didn’t want to step out, get disconnected. I cried.

And then the feeling of utter uselessness sinks in, again. The realisation of the extent of my powerlessness kicks in. And it’s frustrating. This is not how it was supposed to be. This is not how it was supposed to be. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE. The time to point fingers at others is gone, done, over. It’s time to take the mantle in my own hands and ‘do’. That’s the operative word. No more hesitation. No more wait. No more doubt. Just one clear thought and objective.

government type: democracy, people type: hypocrisy

‘Hahahahaha’…Laugh, that’s all I could do at seeing the incredibly pathetic turnout for the general elections, especially in Mumbai. It’s the kind of laugh that escapes from you when you feel so much grief that you do not know how to react. One would think that after a shocking awakening that we were handed out on 26th November 2008 Mumbai would not fall asleep so soon.

After all those rallies, after all that ‘we need change’ and after all that drama this is what the citizens of ‘the great city’ Mumbai do. And then you have the audacity in celebrating ‘the Mumbai spirit’ in getting life back to normal in a jiffy. Haha. I’ll tell you what seems to be ‘the Mumbai spirit’ after this turnout, ‘Ignorance is bliss’. Of all the teams in the highly hyped IPL, no team deserves to call itself ‘INDIANS’. Not after this. This is not a launch on Mumbai or the Mumbai spirit. I was a believer in all those things and that is why it hurts so much to see all that go down the drain. It seems like it was just a publicity stunt. It seems like we like to call ourselves ‘Mumbaikars’ and our team ‘Mumbai Indians’. But when it comes to being them, swish and we are no where to be found. It is not the democratic system of India that is at fault here, it is the hypocritical people of India that are.

What was equally appalling was the response of the media to this abysmal turnout. It was a bigger news for them that ‘a lot’ of celebrities had turned up for voting rather than the fact that there was just 41% turnout overall. It’s depressing. And to top it all, they then find excuses to support the low turnout. And what were the reasons? ‘it was a long weekend, people were vacationing’ and ‘it was too hot’. I’m feeling ashamed just typing this down. If you call these reasons for not being part of the process of the formation of the Government then God damn it you have no fucking right to utter a single word of distress against the way this country is run. Instead of travelling with the celebrities in their cars and interviewing them about who they voted and why, shouldn’t they have gone and found those people vacationing (thanks to the long weekend) or sitting in their air conditioned homes because its too hot. It’s not like we’re made of wax and we’ll melt in the heat.

I’m not saying I expected a 100% turnout. It is a time bound process, this so called ‘awakening’. But atleast we should make some progress. Atleast take some steps forward, hell atleast take one step forward.

I had thought that Mumbai could be the spearhead in bringing about the change that this country so desperately needs. But this is disheartening. Almost draining me of all the hope that there will be a better India tomorrow but at the same time, giving me an insight that it is time to take this change outside of living room chats and blog articles. It’s time to act, to do. Of course, we can’t expect to see immediate results, but maybe by the next elections, or maybe the one after that, or maybe the one after that. However long it takes, the process should start now, has to start now.

save them...

Have you looked into the newspapers lately? Everyday there are atleast a couple of articles being published about some disgusting pervert indulging in stomach wrenching incest. It’s depressing. Can you even imagine the trauma it must be causing to the victim? First of all, being raped at such a young age, and to make matters worse being ravaged by the person who brought you into this world. Forget the physical assault, the physical abuse, think about how she must be feeling. It makes my eyes water, my hair to stand on ends just trying to put myself in her shoes.

Initially when there were just certain stray cases like this, I thought that maybe they’re just a few mentally retarded, sick people. But now when you look at the number of times this has happened, I am beginning to have second thoughts about the mind frame of the culprits. Maybe, there is some flaw in the system, in the society. There have been way too many such incidents to ignore such a possibility.

Maybe, the husband and wife do not have a clear understanding and do not fulfil each other’s sexual needs. Maybe, they were forced into this marriage and they don’t find each other attractive and they never did. The general middle class man does not have many avenues to explore other various options. I am not saying those options are justified or right. But they are definitely better than ruining the life of a poor little girl.

I think the problem lies in the fact that sex is still a taboo topic in our society. There lies the true problem. And if you think, that this is a part of our culture, think again. Pick up any of our original epics, original being the operative word here. I’m not talking about the Ramcharitramanas by Tulsidas. I’m talking about the original Ramayana by Valmiki. I’m not talking about the televisionised Mahabharat that has become so popular, I am talking about the original Mahabharat by Ved Vyas. You will find many references to sexual acts there. Almost all the kings had unknown number of concubines. The Pandvas father was basically cursed that if he slept with any woman again, he would die. The dasis in the palaces used to cover themselves up in almost no clothing whatsoever. That is how sexually ‘open’ and active our cultural text was. I’m not suggesting that we become as crude as them. That is a part of civilization. But, we cannot let it be a taboo. Even the husband and wife who perform the act together do not talk about it, because it makes them uncomfortable. Who is to blame for this if not the society, the system?

Things have to change. To safeguard the future and the integrity of the children to come, from their own. It will not happen overnight. It will not happen by itself. We have to take the steps. What is the point of being ‘educated’ if you can’t use that education for the betterment of the society that you live in?

wishing stupidity

I have realised that more often than not, having a better understanding comes across as a curse and not a blessing or something to be proud of. It only tends to complicate matters. Situations, events, actions that are practically inconsequential are blown out or proportion by this so called ‘power’. The problem lies in the multi faceted thinking capacity. There is no point of view that is ‘mine’. Because I can understand all the points of view, or perceive what are the different points of view possible it creates a ruckus in the head. What is right? Who is right? What is supposed to be? And what is it that I want it to be? Everything gets mixed up like in the agitator machine for better diffusion and the result is of course the formation of a bloody vortex, which is undesirable. (I couldn’t help this comparison; after all I am a chemical engineer)

Sometimes, and these days a lot more often I feel it would have been a lot better if I was dumb and stupid. It would simplify almost everything. Not to mention the added relief of not having people’s very heavy expectations riding on your back. Atleast the picture would be clear then. Now, it’s all hazy and foggy, and therefore the delay in departure.

If after reading all this, you’re still expecting some kind of conclusion from this piece, then I must say you are one of the lucky ones (dumb and stupid). ;)

!@#$%^&*

Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom…I am pushed, shoved, hurled even lower. No no…not by any external force…but by the sheer weight of this relentless thought process that just doesn’t give up. In the process, many other things (read people) seem to have given up on me (Including me). Yes, I know it’s a loser like statement to make, and believe me I am not trying to win over your pity or some stupid shit like that, but that is precisely what I feel like now. A loser.

Of course, no one is going to take this post seriously. Probably not even me. It’s like the story of the boy who called wolf. He did it way too often for anyone to take him seriously. But aren’t your so called friends supposed to stand by you. Come what may. Atleast that’s what I thought and believed. Clearly, I was as wrong as can be. Friends are someone you feel the need for only and only when you have a truck loads of time at hand and have no clue what to do with it. Atleast, that seems to be the latest definition doing rounds. What happened to the good old ‘I’ll be there for you’? Seems like there are practically no takers for that sentiment these days.

Anyways, the brighter side to this could be the theory in which you believe that you receive only as much hardships as He/She/It (God) thinks you can handle. So, the more the hardships you face, you are lead to believe that the stronger you are. Of course it’s a very far fetched ‘brighter side’, but it is there nonetheless.

On this slightly, somewhat positive note I take your leave, and I apologise for being absent for such a long time. After all, even I didn’t have time. (Wink)