26th November 2009. Exactly a year after the dreadful siege had started in Mumbai. I went to the Gateway of India to show my solidarity, to mourn, to let the buildings make me feel the way they had felt exactly a year ago. Yes, today I heard buildings, buildings made of stone and mortar talk to me. They told me their story. They had merely just started and I had tears in my eyes. I can’t picture, imagine or comprehend what the people present here a year ago must have felt. But I felt the pain today. I felt the fear. I felt the feeling of utter powerlessness. I had to forcefully take my eyes away from the dome of the Taj; before I break down. I couldn’t take it anymore. All the noise, all the slogans, all the chants lost and forgotten at that very instant when I locked eyes with the dome. There was an immediate connection. It was terrifying. For a brief second I was transported back a year and the barrage of various uncontrollable emotions and fear was too much to bear. Imagine being there while it was happening and having ‘access’ to the feelings of everyone present there. That is how I felt.
Scary and terrifying though it was, I wanted more. I wanted to feel that connect again. I wanted to hear the story, I wanted to feel what they felt. I wanted to feel the extent of uselessness, my powerlessness. Rather I wanted to realise it. All the illusion about how I was going to make a difference shattered. At first I did not understand the purpose of people lighting candles outside the Taj. Suddenly it made sense. I lit a candle and let myself go, to be embraced, to be taken. The rush, the force, the power of the emotions was too strong. I couldn’t pull out. I couldn’t or maybe didn’t want to step out, get disconnected. I cried.
And then the feeling of utter uselessness sinks in, again. The realisation of the extent of my powerlessness kicks in. And it’s frustrating. This is not how it was supposed to be. This is not how it was supposed to be. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE. The time to point fingers at others is gone, done, over. It’s time to take the mantle in my own hands and ‘do’. That’s the operative word. No more hesitation. No more wait. No more doubt. Just one clear thought and objective.
4 comments:
I reallie wished I couldv joined you..n I understand exactly wat u felt..well written..:-)
crystal clear nikunj... very clear. i like your writing, it's like most of the things you say, no nonsense and clear.
:)
Contribution is needed to keep going on :) Good post
What's strange is that most of us feel these things in phases. That feeling of wanting to do something is always there, but passive. I liked what you have written, can relate to it infact. But somehow, its strange everytime an attack happens of the anniversary of a previous one is there to haunt us, those passive feelings become so overbearing, we feel helpless and hate feeling that way. And then, when all of that subsides, so does the feeling, it becomes passive again to lurk around in some corner of our system and stay there till something even more drastic has to make it wake up.
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