Uncomfortable comfort

There’s an uneasy feeling, it’s settling in, slowly but surely. It’s very comfortable here, now. But should it be? Why am I not tensed or feeling pressure? I have been repeatedly reminded that this is the age when you slog, when you work your ass off, when you can take any load and still come out on top. Then why am I not there yet?

I want to be at the top, I need to be at the top. Sooner rather than later. I thought this was the best path. Is it? There can be no gain without pain. There is no pain here. Does that mean there will be no gain? Should I go out searching for pain? I want to.

Nothing seems to disturb me now. As a friend would say, ‘I’ve reached the Zen like state’. I don’t want to be Zen like. I want disturbance, I crave it. I want to know I can still feel. I’ve always believed that’s been ‘my edge’. I don’t want to become one of those ‘anything will do’ types. The thought is disturbing. Ahhh…finally, some disturbance. There’s a restlessness stemming from the lack of restlessness. That’s more like it. This will do. This should start off a chain of familiar unpleasant thoughts. Phew…finally, comfortable with my discomfort.