fresher to CEO overnight - the perks and the fucks

I had slept the last night thinking the world of opportunities was out there, up there for me to grasp, after all I was practically still a fresher. But the next morning I woke up a CEO. Yes, I’m not kidding. That’s how I describe my ‘so called’ transition. As sudden as that. For a long long time I did not know how to react to that. People were beaming with confidence, that I would do a wonderful job. Mind it; people were beaming with that kind of confidence not me. The biggest problem and fuck up is, because of the existent set up there are no defined parameters to assess whether I am doing a decent job (wonderful job is really out of question).

It does sound very sudden and rash and illogical to do something like this. But you haven’t heard the best part yet. There is logic to support this rashness, this madness. In all the big companies, when one CEO is retiring and another is coming in his place, the earlier one does not spend 2-3 months with the new one to explain how things work. Even that happens suddenly. Probably on a personal level not as sudden as my case, but as far as the company is concerned, it is as sudden.

Well, you see then I was soooo ‘dazzled’ by this proposition that the phrase ‘the cat’s caught its tongue’ fits like a glove. Now I see the loophole in this ‘logic’ as clear as the bright burning sun. THE NEW CEO HAD ALL THE PRIOR EXPERIENCE HE NEEDED TO MAKE THE SUDDEN TRANSITION. He/she had been there done that before. He has all the qualifications needed to replace the outgoing CEO. We clearly chose to ignore this small little teeny weeny detail.

Imagine everyday someone asking you, ‘did you do this?’; ‘did you do that?’….and always the answer is NO. Why? For the plain simple reason that you did not know it was supposed to be done. But somehow that person expects you to know all this, because he/she knows it. It’s shitty, the way you feel and when you have to bow down your head in shame and disgust at your incompetence. It makes you feel like such a dummy. You have to call someone or the other every half an hour or so to ask how it is to be done. Or how it was done? (really, what is the difference?). If you want to ever drain yourself of every drop of confidence you have in you, try this. Trust me it gives wonderful results. I guarantee you will have to dig real deep to find a pinch of what was once confidence.

This is not all, put your self in the place of an employee of the company who has been in the industry for atleast 3-4 years (atleast, you will obviously come across veterans too). And imagine receiving orders or reporting to someone who has practically just stepped out of college. I wouldn’t like it. I don’t know if they feel the same way or not. But every time I turn my back to them. I can feel their laughter.

Did the title mention ‘perks’? Oh yes there are perks. Unimportant, materialistic perks like come and go as you please, AC car to drive around in, fancy mobile phone, etc. It feels stupid to weigh them against peace of mind and confidence. But as you chose, so shall you act. And act your best you should. So be it.

bad 'air' day...

It’s a phenomenon that has haunted each one of us, some time or the other. The feeling is pathetic. If there is any room, any room at all below ‘rock bottom’ this is the day it surfaces. Every decision feels wrong. Not just the ones taken on this day, but even the ones taken before, or the ones going to be taken later. Self doubt fills every pore of the body. Whatever little space is left out is filled with disgust (at nothing), guilt (for nothing), anger (on nothing) and a sense of foreboding. Feels like happiness has been drained out. Bone dry. Like it is just a figment of imagination. Not really present, never was and never will be. It’s a distant concept, one that the mind will never be able to fathom and understand and accept. It feels like the air itself is poisoned. Poisoned with the drug of sadness. Bad Air Day.

Wet sand...

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. As vividly as the day when I graduated. The date was…don’t you just hate such people? Those who can remember the date and time of every little insignificant event of their lives. The ‘Subodhs’. On the contrary, it was a regular, boring, ‘nothing to do’ day. And I was doing precisely that… ’nothing’. Getting bored out of my wits, sitting at home. I had watched all the television I could in one day (or one life maybe). I needed something better, something ‘more’ constructive (more?? What more?? There is no comparison…just constructive), something worthwhile to do. But unfortunately there was nothing else to do. I was jobless (yet again), looking for a job in a completely unfamiliar field (yet again), and I was lonely (yet again and again and again). I felt worthless, loser, and like a ‘dharti pe bojh’.

Luckily some friends called me, and I was rescued from the confines of ‘my own prison’…(for all you ignorant people, that’s a song). I got into an auto rickshaw to get to the meeting point. Just a couple of minutes into the ride it starts pouring outside. The first rain. I love the first rain. The smell of ‘wet sand’ (oh my god! How ignorant can you get…even that is a song…develop a taste people). It’s heavenly. Science says the first rains are bad for you, as it carries all the acids that were present in the atmosphere. Balls to science!!! The first rains are the best thing that ever happened. I could feel all the tension, all the worries just getting washed away with the rains. (Just a crazy stupid thought, probably tension and worries are basic, that is why the acidic rains wash them away). In any case I was suddenly feeling brilliant. Just when I was beginning to enjoy the rains and my spirits were beginning to rise, my rickshaw stalled. Apparently it’s not used to the rains. Rain pouring down with a fury, trying to prove a point, that it’s comeback time. And I’m stuck in the middle of a busy road, in a rickshaw. And believe it or not, instead of enjoying the rain, instead of getting down and splashing around like we used to when we were kids, when we were filled with innocence, what is the only thought crossing my mind. ‘My cell phone is going to get screwed’. Can you believe it? I could not. How high tech has infringed upon the simple joys of our lives. It’s sad, pathetic but omni present. Unfortunately. Anyways, I was not going to let something as insipid as this to rob the joy, the thrill, the pure unadulterated happiness Mother Nature was bestowing upon me (Oh my god!!). All I had to do was get a plastic bag, (irony: mother nature bestowing happiness, and me using ‘plastic’ to enjoy that happiness) to safely put my cell phone into. Eureka. Problem solved. Once that ‘daunting’ task was accomplished, I walked a little more than a kilometre in the rain, graciously offered my cab to a family, took a lift from an unknown person on a bike (and trust me, bike rides in the rain…SCARY), finally got into another rickshaw and met my friends. Oh and yes, the first thing I made them do, check if my phone was ok!!!